


This is NOT Making Sense?!

by Kalloway



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Breaking the Fourth Wall, Humor, Other, Self-Insert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-09
Updated: 2018-02-09
Packaged: 2019-03-15 21:19:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,430
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13621881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kalloway/pseuds/Kalloway
Summary: A bystander, who may just have been the author, watches the Z Fighters, but the Z Fighters certainly don't have any idea she exists...(A very old self-insert fic, which at least still manages to be humorous.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Stupid but funny DBZ fic written to get the Mary-Sue out of my system. It was supposed to turn into a big long epic of really fun stuff that would eventually tie into other original works of mine and explain the entire megaverse. However, I think it's even more entertaining to leave it as is, with the ending given.
> 
> Originally posted... 2002, maybe?

It was sunny Sunday morning, early summer, and the air was still somewhat crisp and cool as blew through an open upstairs window. Razza Kalloway did the only thing left on what yesterday seemed to be an endless list of things to be done: balancing the checkbook.

Razza, more commonly referred to as Kalloway, since it makes her seem at least vaguely dangerous, sighed as she pulled out bank statements and scratch paper to do math on. She worked with computers almost every other second of her life - she relished a chance to work something out on paper. Only halfway into the second column of numbers, her pencil moved to the margin and began tracing an outline.

The outline quickly became a body and Kalloway let out a louder sigh. That man. She'd loved him her entire life, she was sure, and as soon as she had the face roughly sketched in, she added a little word bubble.

"Kalloway, you are pathetic", she said as she wrote.

"Every chance you get, you watch him and his family, and his friends. You're crazy!" she said, leaning back in the chair. "You're also using a strange monologue to open this fic. You should be talking about something domestic, like brownies."

Her watch beeped suddenly, bringing the woman out of her reverie. She quickly put a vent in the window, and ran out of the room, down the hall, and quite literally jumped down the entire flight of stairs on her way out the door.

* * *

Gohan was not tackling his checkbook, instead, his object of contempt was his homework. The 25 year old just had a couple semesters of college left before he could become a teacher. He was attending West City University and was staying at Capsule Corp to avoid a lengthy commute. While 25 may seem a bit old to be finishing up college, especially for someone as bright as Gohan, a couple things happened which caused him to take a couple brief sabbaticals from his education. Those will come up later though, for now...

Gohan doodled idly instead of working on a rough draft of an essay. A twenty page typed rough draft that was due on Wednesday. He had gotten writer's block on page three and had now completed a rather well done sketch of Videl and himself in their Saiyaman costumes, battling some great evil that was currently just squiggles.

Suddenly, there was a knock on his suite door. He stumbled out of his study, through the small living room, and opened the door. There stood Vegeta, who looked quite irritated.

"About time" he said, looking at the confused Gohan. "Why aren't you ready?"

"Ready for what?" Gohan asked, quickly trying to remember what he was supposed to be doing.

"Stupid." Vegeta said. "Go change clothing and be downstairs in five minutes or Trunks and I will leave without you."

That's about when it struck Gohan. It was Sunday. Sparring day in the mountains. How could he have forgotten? It was basically the only time he saw his family anymore, even when they visited CC, he was usually too caught up in school work.

"Okay Vegeta" Gohan said, but Vegeta was already halfway down the hallway, mumbling to himself.

Gohan closed the door and turned, walking back through the vaguely messy living room and into his bedroom. He dug through several drawers before finding what he was looking for, his newest version of the Piccolo outfit.

Five minutes later, Gohan was downstairs with Vegeta and Trunks, who was now 16. While Vegeta and Gohan really hadn't changed much, Trunks had grown into a handsome young man. He'd grown his hair long to see if he could emulate his Mirai self. As much as he didn't want to admit it, he was actually rather in love with his Mirai self, the consequences of which, he didn't even want to fathom.

The three of them flew to the mountains quickly. Vegeta was quite looking forward to trying out a couple new attacks he'd been working on. He smirked mid-flight. Kakarrot wouldn't be able to beat him today.

* * *

Speaking of the aforementioned saiya-jin, both he and his youngest son had just finished breakfast and were now piling dishes in the sink. They were something to deal with later, of course.

"Are you going to spend the entire day fighting Vegeta?" Goten asked. He was 15 now, and had grown to look even more like his father and less like that GT git with the bad hair.

Goku smiled at Goten, giving him a friendly cuff on the arm. "Do you want me to beat on you first?" He teased.

Goten's face turned to one of slight panic. He could make it to Super Saiya-jin 2 now, but was obviously no match for his father.

"That's alright - I don't mind watching you fight Vegeta all day." Goten said quickly. He *did* train with his father most of the rest of the time, one day off definitely wouldn't hurt. Besides, he looked forward to some extra time with Trunks. Since the purple-haired bishonen *was* a year older, the pair rarely had classes together. Hell, their lockers weren't even in the same hallway.

And besides, thought Goten, if I ask nicely, I bet I can stay at Capsule Corp. tonight, school night or not.

* * *

The red-haired woman seemed to move like a phantom, from shadow to shadow, as she crossed the terrain to where the Z fighters gathered to spar. Well, except for when she tripped over her untied bootlace. That was pretty damned ungraceful.

"Forkin' Shoelace!" Kalloway muttered under her breath as she corrected the problem. She was wearing black army-style boots which laced midway up her calves, along with slightly over-sized and very worn bell-bottom jeans. Her shirt was a pale green, almost mint colored work shirt which was tied in a knot underneath her breasts. While she didn't have the classic anime-cleavage she should for this fic, her breasts were ample enough for her. Besides, the damn things got heavy sometimes as is.

Oh, and Kalloway also wore a baseball cap, dark blue, with her self-created SKZ Design logo embroidered on the front. SKZ was the name of her website design company - Number of employees: 1. But it helped pay bills, and was quite fun in the meantime.

The cap also managed to squash Kalloway's bangs over most of her face, in a somewhat street-urchin-cute-enough-to-take-home fashion. Yes, this is important, and there will be a test later. Well, maybe no test, but the hat is important. Really. Trust me.

Anyway, enough about Kalloway, other than one last thing: Kalloway made her way safely to the bush she usually hid in to watch the Z fighters spar. She'd been watching them on and off for years, especially the object of her affection, the one she'd known since she was three years old.

* * *

Now Gohan is not psychic, but he'd had enough 'power awakenings' that he had begun to get certain and very useful hunches about things. He had a hunch this would not be an ordinary day. But that was all he knew.

And promptly after thoughts of definitely-not-impending-doom, his mind picked a new subject - Piccolo, whom he hoped to see that day. He also wondered if Videl would make it. She was currently working for the West City Police Department, but normally had Sunday mornings off. She still lived in Satan City, of course, and usually made the weekend spars. Though she was no match for any of the gang, other than perhaps Yamcha, she enjoyed the workout.

* * *

Within a few minutes and some instant transmission, six fighters had converged to spar. Gohan was somewhat disappointed Videl wasn't present, but he knew he'd see her tomorrow. Videl had a patrol near the University and walked through a couple times per day. And Monday's were Cookie Day - strange as it seems, a former student with a habit of over-baking brought in excess cookies every Monday and handed them out, smiling as she gave Gohan an extra handful, for himself and "That nice Officer Videl."

Food. But sparring first, then the picnic baskets that had been brought.

* * *

You know how everything on Dragonball gets decided, right? Rock Paper Scissors!! (Sad, isn't it?) Anyway, the first set of spars was determined by the above fashion (those who won the most fighting first). And the lucky winners were...


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This stands alone as randomness and will not be updated. The OC has a potential demise at the end (in the third chapter, which exists only on paper, she lives!)

(In DBZ announcer voice, with full hentai connotations) After the first round of strangely matched spars, the usual pairs looked ready to get something going on. (End DBZ announcer voice, since it usually just annoys me.)

Goku leaned back against an ancient tree that miraculously hadn't been destroyed yet, while Vegeta sat nearby in his somewhat submissive and childlike pose (you know - legs under, head almost down). Goku looked over at the smaller man, who seemed generally disinterested in the beating his son was getting from Goten. Goku quietly sighed. Something was up with Vegeta, but he didn't quite know what it was. Could it be something with Bulma? He wasn't very good with personal relationships - look at what had happened with his own marriage - but something was troubling the Saiya-jin prince.

Goten had just gotten kicked in the head and had hit the ground hard. Trunks flew down and landed beside him, grinning in victory.

"You give?" He asked, offering the younger boy a hand.

Goten reached up for the hand, then quickly pulled Trunks onto the ground where the two proceded to roll about and giggle in a vaguely cute but also disturbing manner. Vegeta still didn't seem to notice. He just seemed to have focused on watching the grass grow.

Goku took one last look at the teens, who had progressed to chasing one another about on foot, whooping and yelling insults.

He gracefully moved his body toward Vegeta, covering the short distance mainly on all fours.

"Is something wrong Vegeta?" Goku asked, crossing his legs beneath him and putting a hesitant hand on the older man's shoulder.

Vegeta brushed the hand off and grunted.

"Nothing of importance to you." Vegeta said. "And stop touching me."

Goku sighed and stood up. "We're next after Piccolo and Gohan, you know."

"Yes," Vegeta said coldly. "And I *am* going to pound you thoroughly Kakarrot."

Goku laughed and walked back to his tree to watch his eldest son fight.

Vegeta tried to get his concentration back. How dare anyone presume anything was beyond his control? He was simply concentrating very hard on just how to get Kakarrot in his sights. For one of his new attacks, that is. Hentai.

* * *

Kalloway grinned, watching as Gohan traded blows with the Namek. She didn't quite trust the Namek, but he seemed to take good care of Gohan, so he gained some brownie points there. But instincts, something from her ancestors perhaps, made her wary.

Piccolo whipped off his turban and cape after smashing Gohan into a nearby butte, effectively making a horde of fangirls (and fanboys) reach for their Drool Buckets (tm) simultaneously. Gohan, himself, couldn't help but consider drooling as well... as he removed himself from a Gohan-shaped hole in the butte.

Gah! Gohan almost stumbled. He had considered drooling over Piccolo?! He hadn't thought about his former teacher *that* way in years. So much for a teenage crush, he thought, trying to regain focus.

It didn't happen hast enough. Piccolo was on Gohan a split second later and proceeded to beat him until Gohan finally yelled "All right, I give up!"

Piccolo smirked one of his fang-showing smirks (Fangirls: Drool!) and pulled a battered Gohan into his arms, knight-saving-princess style.

"Not bad kid." He said. "But what blew your concentration at the end?"

"Those annoying screaming and drooling fangirls." Gohan said too softly for even Piccolo to hear.

"What?"

"I'm not too sure myself, but I'll work on it." Gohan said, louder. He was slightly embarrassed to need to be carried this way, especially by Piccolo.

Piccolo unceremoniously dumped his cargo off beside Goku, who showed little concern for his son's injuries. After all, the boy was just winded more than anything. Crazy Saiya-jins.

"Your turn." the Namek said, looking at Goku and Vegeta, then settling, cross-legged, beside Gohan. At that moment, both Trunks and Goten came running by in an infinite game of tag. Trunks, however, stopped when he got near his father, and Goten, busy looking at his injured sibling, crashed into Trunks' back, knocking both teens to the ground.

"Idiots both" Vegeta muttered. Goku just laughed as he rose from his resting position.

"Ready for a good fight and then some lunch?" Goku asked.

"All you think about is food." Vegeta said grumpily as he stretched out his spandex-clad body. Some members of the viewing audience reach for their Drool Buckets (tm) immediately.

* * *

Kalloway inched a bit closer to her flowering-bush-on-cliff hiding place. This could be pretty good, she thought. But then again, she hoped this would be a quickie - her one leg was starting to cramp.

She looked down at the four not-currently-about-to-blast-each-other fighters and smiled. Some days she just wanted to glomp the youngest two - she remembered when they were little brattss. Not like they'd matured much, their bodies had just gotten bigger.

As for Gohan, that was another story altogether. She almost sighed as she remembered the first time she'd met him and his family. Her grandmother Sarah had taken her and a pan of brownies to meet the nearest neighbors, though they were more than a mile away. The three year old Razza had toddled along for more than a quarter mile before begging to be carried. Sarah had smiled and set the girl on her hip.

According to a carved sign nailed on a tree, the residence belonged to the Son family. Sarah, after setting Razza down on the step, knocked lightly on the door. It swung open after a minute to reveal a handsome spiky haired man.

"Are those brownies?" were the first words from his mouth as he took the pan from Sarah.

"I'm your neighbor, Sarah Kalloway." Sarah said. "I've lived about a mile away for a few years, but haven't explored at all. Not with the little one."

Goku glanced down at Razza, who was partially behind Sarah's legs. He bent down, still holding onto the brownies. "Hi there." He said. "My name's Goku. Who are you?"

Razza moved about a centimeter closer to Goku and whispered "Razza. And I'm this many." She held up three fingers.

"Would you like an airplane ride?" Goku asked, holding an arm out to Razza.

Razza looked up at Sarah, who nodded.

"Uh huh."

"That settles it." Goku said, swooping Razza up. "Brownie delivery service has taken flight!"

Razza cried out in glee as Goku started running her through the family room.

"Oh, come on in" he added as an afterthought, and Sarah stepped in, closed the door behind her, and chased down the hallway following her grand-daughter.

The three of them burst into a bright kitchen just as Chi Chi was putting several covered dishes into the oven.

"Did I hear someone at the..." she began as she turned around.

"Hello." Sarah said. "I live..."

"Goku! You could have asked before..." Chi Chi tried again, then noticed her husband's cargo.

"Brownie Delivery Service!" Razza announced, from underneath Goku's arm.

Sarah smiled. "I live about a mile away" she began again. "I'm Sarah Kalloway, this is my grand-daughter Razza. I thought I'd bring some brownies over."

Chi Chi noticed the brownie tray her husband was holding on the side not holding the squirming Razza.

"Grand-daughter?" Goku said, a confused look on his face. "You aren't old enough to have a grandkid!"

"Goku!" Chi Chi yelled, pulling a frying pan from hammerspace almost immediately.

"Sorry"

He then set both Razza and the brownies down, though not at the same time. Mainly because Razza went on the floor and the brownies did not.

In fact, the brownies would have gone straight into Goku, had his wife not waved the frying pan dangerously near his head.

"Well, we should be going." Sarah said, breaking the silence.

"You'll have to visit again sometime!" Goku said. "I'm sure Razza would like to meet my son. His name's Gohan."

"But Gohan needs to study." Chi Chi said firmly.

Almost on cue, Gohan appeared in the kitchen. Actually, he walked in, since he can't instantly transmit himself.

"Mom, did you want something?" Gohan said. "I thought I heard my..."

"This is Sarah and Razza from another part of the mountain." Goku said, crouching down to Gohan and Razza's level.

"It's nice to meet you." Gohan said. Razza smiled. "Wanna see my globe?" Gohan asked.

"Sure" Razza said. "What's a globe?"

"I'll show you!" Gohan said, and, taking Razza's hand, pulled her off towards his room.

Chi Chi sighed. "Sit down." she instructed. Both Sarah and Goku complied almost instantly.

Chi Chi sized up the woman in front of her. Sarah was a smaller woman, with long black hair in a tight braid down her back. Her eyes were black too, and she wore almost all black, except for a rather curious bandage on her left arm, which was almost garishly pale on her tanned body. She did look too young to be a grandmother.

"Do you live alone?" she asked cautiously. Where were the child's parents.

"Yes, it's just Razza and I." Sarah said.

"Are Razza's parents travelling?" Chi Chi asked. It was the most tactful question she could think of.

"No" Sarah said slowly. "My daughter died while pregnant with Razza. In an accident. But Razza was saved."

Chi Chi stopped where she was. She *was* asking pretty heartless questions.

"Have I told you that my son is going to be a world famous scholar?"

* * *

About an hour later, when the Sons' dinner was ready and Razza was finished getting airplane rides from Goku, Sarah and Razza departed merrilly for home. Sarah genuinely hoped that they'd be invited back soon - she'd left a phone number. It was good for Razza to be around other children. In fact, she would have made plans right then, but Goku had interjected about an upcoming reunion with some old friends, and he wasn't sure when he, or Gohan, would return.

Of course, we all know how that went. And how everything after that went. Needless to say, Sarah and Razza never got that phone call.

Razza had stopped asking about Gohan and Goku ("The airplane man, Grandma Sarah!") within a few months.

And life continued on. Razza grew, still stealing away whenever she could to watch Goku, Gohan, or whomever else was currently alive, sparring nearby. She knew they couldn't sense her. But she didn't yet know why.

She also didn't know why Grandmother Sarah forbid her from visiting ever again, other than it was impolite when she hadn't been invited.

Kalloway, the only name she'd used since Grandmother Sarah had died, drifted back to the present, and focused on the golden fighters.

Some days she dreamed of reaching out and touching them. She knew so much about them - all the wonderful things they'd done. Why was she to keep away? What horrible things would they do to her? Really? Would Goku try and over-stuff her with food? Would Gohan drag her back to college? Would Goten lead her a life of skateboarding harlotry? Is harlotry even a word?

Goku. Vegeta. Power. Kalloway sighed. She *did* know why she was to stay away. After all, with what had happened to her real mother an accepted truth...

She looked at Goku an Vegeta, pounding away on each other with abandon. They broke apart and Goku drifted near where Kalloway was hiding - only about ten feet away from the cliff edge. Vegeta was powering up beyond anything he'd ever managed before. And Goku - Kalloway could sense the energy in the air - Goku wasn't bracing for the attack. Did he know?

Vegeta bellowed something and let a huge energy ball loose from his hands. Goku's eyes popped open at the unexpected burst. And Kalloway did the only thing she could think to do. Screaming, she leapt from her hiding spot, kicked off the edge of the cliff, and sailed in between the energy blast and Goku. Six pairs of eyes and mouths opened fully as the woman was completely engulfed within the blast. Kalloway felt instantly warm, and then, nothing. The world was white around her. Her last thought - how Excel Saga-ish, the heroine dying before the story has even begun.

* * *

The End.


End file.
